Ceepin' up with the Cate's: Sedate and Medicate

So it has been a while since I have taken the time to blow off a little steam and write on my blog. For that I am truly sorry but life has been crazy and I opted to blow off steam with a little retail therapy instead...What's a Lady to do. When Tory Burch calls we must all band together and answer. With this all being said my day today has forced me to look beyond Tory Burch and start banging on the good ole keyboard and Sedate and Medicate. So let me give you a quick recap of the past few months. As you know poop is in the equation for sure. Honestly someone truly Holy needs to have a conversation with God for me. When I say Holy I don't mean someone who goes to church or someone who prays a lot I mean someone that has his personal phone number. I'm thinking the first thing on my list of things to do tomorrow should start with a Good old fashioned Confession. Instead of starting with the traditional Bless me Father for I have sinned. I think I'm going to start with for the Love of God please do something to get a message to your homeboy and stop the madness or poop in my case. If I have to say 10000000 Hail Mary's everyday for the next 18 years then so be it. So now that I have gotten poop out of the way we have also experienced a few naked kids running down the street incidents, the last one ending with a neighbor I had never met walking out to grab the morning paper coffee mug in hand and looks up to see my naked 2 year old relieving himself on the tree in his front yard while the crazy mom (aka me) so embarrassed the only thing I can think of to say is "top of the mornin' to ya" SHAMEFUL!! Why couldn't I say something along the lines of welcome to the neighborhood or a plain old Good Morning or even shoot him the bird but noooo I bust out with guns-a-blazin' and say accent and all "Top of the morning to ya" Honestly! Moving on. We have been doing a little vacation time. Spent a week or two in Little Rock and surprisingly nothing strange or out of the ordinary there at all. Props for that Please! We also made the very long drive to Seaside Florida in the middle of an oil spill with no issues other than 14 hours in the car with me, the dog and 2 kids fighting it was a breeze. I take that back we did have one little moment in the sun shine state. So we have just pulled in to see our beautiful house we will be staying in for the week and begin to unpack what seems to be my entire house and Fulton with his impeccable timing poops. So my sister and sister-n-law help a sista out and decide to change him for me. They also however opted to do this in the most unconventional way possible. Ashley pulled off his pants and diaper while holding him in the air by his arms while Allison held his legs up in the air, legs spread eagle and when after the nastiness with the wipes. (All of this was taking place outside in front of house house). Just at the moment when Fulton looks as if he is flying with poop everywhere our neighbor for the week pulls up. Thank God he had a sense of humor and rolled down the window and yells..."Well Hello to you too Moonbeam" That name stuck for the week. The rest of the summer has been Hot. I have tried to stay home with the air as low as it will go and as little clothing on as possible. So this leaves me with today. I'm not even sure where to begin.
I'll start with I must have done something to really make someone upstairs mad. I have no idea what that might have been but I hope I had a damn good time doing it. I get up at an Ungodly hour due to the fact that Barron has to be at school between 7:30 and 7:45. Who ever thought up those hours will never have me as the President of their fan club thats for sure. So after a morning of Barron yelling I'm don't know where my shoes are and I'm not sure where you put your library book we load up in the car and head to school. The ungodly hour aside we were off to an ok start. I was looking forward to a little coffee with 2 of my best friends so I could officially start my day. Enjoying every moment of my coffee then I get in my car to head out and notice I have many missed calls from Kevin. It's not normal for him to call me 900 times in a row at all. He may call 900 times during the day to give me lists of stupid things he would like me to do but never in a row. I should have known that if it was something really bad he would keep calling and leave it at that but no.... after 10 years of marriage I still haven't learned to just leave it at that. I picked up and called him back. I hear panic on the other end of the phone yelling where are you????? I calmly said by the house and he says I need you to go to court for me right this second!!! huh? I forgot to hell you Ricky (our no good non rent paying tenant) has appealed his eviction and I can't make it. I need you there by 9. Hello Kevin it's 8:47 and you want me to be all the way downtown which is 30 minutes from here at the least in 12 minutes???? So of course I start driving like a bat out of hell to get there all the way thinking about the facial expression on the Judges face when she sees me standing in front of her wearing ripped up jeans, flip flops, a shirt that says I love the Jersey Shore while pushing a stroller with a 2 year old who thinks the word sssshhhh means yell at the top of your lungs and watch how red my mom gets.... Fantastic what a treat. I get there 30 minutes late and have been moved to the end of the docket. Wonderful. I finally get in front of her and she says raise your hand please. I'm thinking what a sick lady she's all checking to see if I have sweat stains going on cause I've been sittin' here sweating trying to keep FUlton quiet, sicko! Nonetheless I raise my hand all the way up like one would do if super excited to get called on by the teacher. She then looks at me like I'm being a smart ass and says "do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God." Jokes on me... I wondered why the whole court room started laughing when I raised my hand. Great feeling. So then she asked me for the copy of the lease and eviction papers we filed. Well Hello Lady I just got finished telling you my husband was the one that was coming and couldn't at the last minuet do you really think in the 8 minutes I had to spare I ran home and grabbed that? Honestly lady I'm not super woman. I try to tell myself I'm super mom sometimes but only to make myself feel better not cause I truly mean it or even believe it. So she looks at me and says then I can't help you. Thanks Judge couldn't you have told me this 2 freaking hours ago.
So I get back home thinking I am about to get to sit down watch a little 16 and pregnant and folding the laundry while Fulton is napping and before sitting for 30 minuets in the carpool line to pick up Barron. NOPE again not so much. It was like one thing after another all day today. Then before I knew it I had put out fire after fire and it was time to go get Barron. We get home and it starts to go downhill as if that is even possible. So Laundry 1/2 done in the middle of the living room and every 2 seconds I'm having to break up a fight and get juice and snacks. I get up to get Barron something to drink and here comes Hurricane Fulton running through all my folded laundry. eeeerrrrr I sent them outside to play on the trampoline with very specific instructions to come get me if Fulton started to take off his diaper. No bouncin' poop today thank you very much. A few minutes later Fulton comes running inside yelling Mommy Bebe. Idomamabebeowie Bebe. HUH?!?!? I get up to check out what in the hell idomamabebeowie means again leave the laundry unattended again when out of the corner of my eye I see Barron covered in blood. I'm thinking OMG they killed that damn black cat that randomly comes in our back yard or killed a bird. Nope just a bloody nose. Thank God. I'm not trying to have to deal with therapy because my children are killing animals. A few minutes later Kevin gets home not feeling well and we all know what that means. I could rather help a cow give birth then have a sick husband. I have Barron yelling mommy I'm hungry Fulton yelling yeah mommy Bebe me unhunkkeetoo and kevin yelling louder than both of them ROOOOOOOBBBBBYYYYYYNNNNNN sounding like a water buffalo that has been shot texting me every 2 seconds saying "call 911. This is the end I know it". Honestly, I just need a break, a moment of quiet, a moment of me time a moment with no poop, the word mommy is forbidden, no laundry and no sick husbands no carpool lines and no lines of communication whatsoever. Thank God my sister is coming in town Friday. I need her! Right when I think this day can't get worse Brendan wins the POV. I can't wait for this day to be over.
Happy freaking Birthday to me.